I’m swearing off the news. (Message me if it’s the end of the world.)

America loves measuring itself against Adolf Hitler. Maybe it’s the mustache. Maybe it’s the stylish red and black arm bands. Maybe it’s because everyone loves to measure their equipment against a micro-penis. We may never know exactly why it’s so awesome to call people Hitler—but we know in our bones that it is indeed friggin’ awesome.

We know this because we read the news.

Democrats and Republicans are equally Nazi-esque, says the news, and once you accept this stone cold fact, then you have to conclude that Americans themselves are basically Nazis also.

(I mean—you voted, right? Gosh, maybe you didn’t vote. Maybe you got out-districted, or didn’t have i.d. Crap! That means the poor, teet-sucking, cardboard-bed-surfing, jobless parasites aren’t to blame!)

So yeah. I’m totally swearing off the news. I know, I know. It’s terrible. How ever will I keep abreast of the important issues qualifying a person to become President of the United States of America? (And by “abreast” I mean Kim Kardashian’s NSFW Instagram pics. And by “presidential qualifications,” I mean the size of Donald Trump’s hands.)

But, no. I feel I just don’t need the news anymore. I’ve watched enough and am confident that I’m self-sufficient at this point. They’re not going to report on anything that’ll change my mind, and they’re not going to change yours either and you know it. Besides, you can do what they do just as well as them. Cut out the middle man.

Here’s how it works:

You take a news story, carefully analyze it for historical comparison to Nazi Germany, and then enter the variables into your Sliding Hitler Scale. Next, and this is the important part, you break the little plastic doohickey that allows the sliding part of the scale to actually slide. That way, everything’s like Hitler!


(And totally easier than reading a bunch of boring history books yourself so you can actually know what you’re talking about.)

Here’s an example: Banning 1.6 billion people from entering the country (until we figure out what’s going on) is equally Hitler-like as the passage of the Affordable Care Act. You know how I know? Because I just said it.

Here’s another: Suggesting the passage of responsible gun legislation is equal on the Hitler Scale to hunting down and killing the families of suspected terrorists.

And another: Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, (emails) Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi, ($14 million). Hitler.

Oh yeah. Bernie Sanders is basically a Jewish Nazi. Because Jewish Nazi.

If we could all become self-sufficient in our hatred, this country would be a much more American America. Think about it. We should be asking ourselves WWHD? (What would Hitler do?) Would Hitler hate himself for being so Hitler-like? No! He’d just shrug it off, and then go and build a few more gas chambers. Invade another country! We should all be so industrious!

We are all so industrious.

We may not be building gas chambers, but we’re pretty damn good at building straw men. (And women! And transgender bathrooms!) The point is, you can’t hate people for supporting Donald Trump. Think about it. Your Hitler may be Donald Trump, but their Hitler is Hillary Clinton. So what are we even arguing about? I mean, everybody’s got their Hitler, right? And isn’t that the most important thing?

(Any by “everybody,” I mean everyone but John Boehner. That guy’s got a Satan. Because when Hitler isn’t hyperbolic enough to describe Ted Cruz, Boehner reached down deep, manned up, went the distance, and revealed to a nation that, yes we can stoop further. Such an inspiration.)

But Hitler is the new American Pie. And I’m not just talking about sticking the nation’s metaphorical micro-penis into an actual cherry pie, like Jason Biggs in that movie. No, I’m talking about needing someone to hate. I’m talking about greeting each other on the street with the phrase, “What’s up, my Hitler?” I’m talking about waking up and taking your first bracing inhalation of those aromatic Americana molecules and saying to yourself, “Goddammit! I love the smell of napalm in the morning!”

Because, at the end of the day, Obama’s a Kenyan, Trump’s daddy was a Klansman, and Ted Cruz is literally Lee Harvey Oswald.