Saying Stuff

In Humor, politicians, Politics on October 1, 2016 at 1:48 pm

It’s a brave new world. People can just say stuff now. Which is pretty cool, when you think about it. Because saying stuff is fun. Especially if you’re really, really rich and on T.V. all the time. That’s when saying the stuff is the most fun, I’ve noticed.

It used to be you had to say true stuff. Because if you didn’t, all the dumbasses would swoop in on their great white steeds of truth and fact check you. But we’ve evolved since then. There’s no separating fact from fiction anymore and I think I speak for everyone when I say God bless America for that. But then I got to thinking: Why should the politicians have all the fun? I mean, I’ve got a blog right here. I don’t need millions in “earned” media coverage. I don’t need campaign ads. So, without further ado, let’s just start…


Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader. And while we’re on the subject, some people are saying Colin Kaepernick is an Iranian spy. I’m not saying it. Some people are saying it. Iranian spy. It’s true.

People who won’t stand up for the National Anthem really honk me off. But what’re you gonna do, folks? I mean, unless you’re a 2nd Amendment person, there’s really nothing you can do. All I’m saying is, it really pisses me off when people won’t stand to honor the country I’m currently stockpiling weapons against.


More truth bombs:

  1. Mexicans didn’t even invent the taco.
  2. The Chinese invented the taco.
  3. Gatorade has electrolytes.

Kim Jong Un is actually a pretty swell guy. I mean, he’s strong. You know? For a little guy. You’ve got to be strong to do what he’s done, is all I’m saying. And I’m not just talking about walking around in platform shoes all the live long day. Oh God no. Any bimbo fat pig with an ovary can do that. No, I’m talking about the squinting that guy does. Have you seen his eyes? So squinty. It’s a miracle he can seen anything. He’s like Micky Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s—which, really, one the greatest portrayals of an Asian ever. Superb. Absolutely first rate, folks.


Did I say Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader? Turns out there’s more to this story. And since Hillary Clinton first raised this issue—which I’m glad she did, by the way—I will now finish it. (Because, as we all know, Hillary isn’t a closer.) Now, some people have said Elizabeth Warren is a gay Vietnamese turkey trader, but I’m looking into the veracity of this rumor. Is it a rumor? I don’t know. Fact is, we may never know. But reliable people are telling me now Elizabeth Warren is actually a nefarious Viagranese Durka traitor. Now, as well all know, the Viagranese are a noble people. Especially, I am told, when it comes to the loyalty of their Durkas. Betraying a Durka is, like, yu-uge to them. People, if this pans out, arrangements can be made with the State Department to extradite Elizabeth Warren post haste.


Tom Cruise is Pope on Planet Zarg.

All Mexicans should wear their sombreros all the time. That way, when it comes time to deport people, we can feel festive about it! But can I just say; I don’t get why we need all the illegals in the first place. I mean, there are already plenty of people in this country willing to be exploited, ignored, and abused. I see them every day. They’re called cit-i-zens. They pay taxes. Not smart!


*Sigh.* Elizabeth Warren. Okay. Since it’s become a distraction to this very, very important blog, and since I want to put the whole Elizabeth Warren thing to bed so I can get on to talking about the real issues, like Miss Universes starring in porn videos and/or how negative, untruthful, and non-issue-focused  Hillary Clinton’s campaign is, let me just say, right here, right now, there is no such thing as a Viagranese Durka traitor. It’s been completely made up. By Hillary Clinton, who is a lizard in a human suit. I’ve done the country a great big mega huge colossal favor in some esoteric yet meaningful way.

John Travolta is Vice Pope on Zarg.

Now on to the issues.

Donald Trump starred as himself in a movie called Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernoala Twins. Last August, he signed a pledge promising to crack down on pornography if elected. Some people are saying he will start by “cracking down” on the First Lady for all those nude photos she did that one time. I’m not saying it. Some people are saying it. All I’m saying is, if Donald Trump is elected, thank God we won’t have that philanderer Bill Clinton in the White House again.



Finding a Friend for the End of the World

In Politics on August 3, 2016 at 9:38 pm

Enough already. We get it. All the words have been used. All the listening is done. If there are thoughtful, reasonable people out there whose opinions can still be shifted, it will not be because they were first disparaged.

I once had the good fortune to hear a remarkable Rwandan speak on the subject of rebuilding his country, post genocide. A question was put to him about how the Hutus and Tutsis could coexist after that. The answer he gave was simple: He and his countrymen had but one choice left: apocalypse, or a future.

They chose a future.

Must we in the United States commit cultural genocide before choosing a future? I don’t believe we must. I know it’s grim out there. So many of us are so obviously in thrall with fatalism, mistrust, and a kind of prideful empathy deficit disorder that’s genuinely puzzling. My theory is that’s what’s behind the Donald Trump candidacy; he’s the grenade. Blow up Washington, so the reasoning goes, and the people will once again have representation, no matter that the representation is fundamentally nihilistic.

The truth is, Washington was only ever a reflection of ourselves. WE put the money into politics. WE venerated wealth. WE created cultural warfare. WE turned against our neighbors. WE are responsible for our disastrous foreign policy. How can we know this is true? It’s the age old axiom: If everyone hates the congress so much, how is its composition so unchanging?

Most Americans evidently think it’s the other party which is exclusively to blame. What an easy fiction that is! How much easier would democracy be if that’s how it worked. Just vote the party line, dummy. But that kind of thinking has run its course. It’s stopped being easy because all the partisan hatred is too exhausting.

So where does that leave us? The grenade…or a future?

I think if you could ask a Tutsi if living next door to a Hutu policeman who had macheted a loved one is a perfect solution, you’d probably hear, no, it isn’t perfect. But these neighbors survived their apocalypse, and from their experiences have gained wisdom that so far has eluded our “first world” problems, over here.  So how far do we need to go before deciding that a future, however imperfect that future may be, is preferable to opening up our own holocaust museum?

So I’ll ask again: Must we commit genocide before choosing a future?

There are those who will say it is better to tear down and rebuild. Perhaps. But isn’t it easier to simply be reasonable with each other? Isn’t it easier to sit down at a table and listen when the other person talks? To be respectful, and show empathy. Isn’t it easier to be even two percent less belligerent, to actively engage in building new habits than remain prisoners to the exhausting status quo, or seek out conflict? Remember: If Washington is a reflection of us, why not start by changing the parts of ourselves that we metaphorically send to Washington? It may be hard to change ourselves, but it’s certainly a helluva lot easier than changing someone else!

There’s reason to hope: We may have lost Bowie and Prince, but not all the good people have gone. Every day on my Facebook feed I see smiling children and happy families. I saw a person post about the outdoor glider chair he inherited from a parent, and another post about a huge cucumber she pulled up out of her garden. There was a guy who posted a really awesome sunset from his boat, and a girl whose daughter recently started the third grade. And what about T-Rex Tuesdays? How great is that?

Isn’t this the real America, the real news? And if we choose to follow the real stuff, the good stuff, isn’t that the antidote to the poison? The noise of our politics may be too loud to totally tune out, but every time we choose to stay in the light, we, as a community of Americans, choose a new habit. Admittedly, new habits can be hard to make—but consider the alternative, as I’ve just presented it. Choosing a future means living to fight another day. American endures, and we course correct from within.

The Kraken of Stupid and Hamster Funk; Boredom is Good

In Humor on July 4, 2016 at 8:53 pm

So, we’re all at least a little stupid, right? I mean, sure, there are a few people out there who’ve got it going on. People who at least don’t look like they’re suffering from the same affliction as the rest of us “a little bit stupid” people–but come on. Are they really so different?

Think about the least “a little bit stupid” people you’ve ever known, the kind who, astonishingly, seem to know something about virtually everything, but are smart enough to glean from their formidable knowledge that they really don’t know much about anything. It’s a paradox; the more you know, the more you realize just how much there is to know, and therefore how little you know of whatever it is we’re talking about.

What are we talking about? Oh right, being a little bit stupid.

So here’s the thing, people: If the least “a little bit stupid” person out there is so knowledgable to know s/he doesn’t know much–does that mean that s/he is a lot stupid?And if s/he is “a lot stupid,” doesn’t that mean that the rest of us “a little bit stupid” people are actually gobs smarter, since we don’t know enough to know how little we know? (Stroke your chin right now and go, “hmmm.” Do it!)

Stupidity is the humorist’s wellspring of inspiration. It’s arguably why Donald Trump has become so incredibly popular–and I don’t say that to knock Donald Trump. I say that because his formula for success is to open that mouth hole of his up to release the Kraken of Stupid on a pretty much every day basis, and that’s worked well for him. Maybe because he knows knowing more makes you know less, and so he chooses to know as little as is humanly possible. You know, to stay smart. Besides, ignorance isn’t ignorance if it’s a choice. Right, Republicans?

Which brings me to my latest epiphany: It is good to be bored.

Now you might say, no, David, it is good to be a gangsta. And for the most part, that conventional wisdom still holds. It is good to be a gangsta. But we’re not talking about thug life, we’re talking about good old fashioned, doo-dah boredom. (Which, incidentally, would be good for the gangstas to try at home too.)

If you’re reading this, you have a pulse (good job!) but you may also have noticed that we live in a society where boredom is a straight up four letter word. We’ve always gotsta be doin’ stuff. Checkin’ your phones, checkin’ your phones. Social media, email, apps, games, calendar alerts–ooh–it’s ProsperingLunatic666’s birthday! Imma send him an emoji. Done.

Where were we? Right, our brains.

We’re in a kind of constant low-grade fight-or-flight state. Sitting out back and listening to the birds or feeling the fresh air on our skin can be a bit like putting a vampire into direct sunlight.

First world problems. I’m thinking young person nightlife in dark places. Sometimes there are pool tables, other times there are laser shows, sonic boom-inducing subwoofers, and hot bod contests that cannot be decently nor directly observed. There is always alcohol. Experiences are dialed to the max, and, for the most part, this carries into the next morning’s hangover when the sound of a pin dropping is both brain and earsplitting.

First world problems follow us as we age. Room is made in the budget for gadget joy. We’re constantly craving the next dopamine fix, whether it’s from computers, laptops, tablets, phones, video games, block buster movies, favorite TV shows, or else just a really nice pair of slacks.

Tablets–who the #$^% needed a tablet before tablets were invented? If we could go back in time and try to explain any of this to our younger selves, we’d’ve been all like, “Tablet!? Tablet?! What the @#$@$ flying cow fart is a tablet?”

But you know, all of this stimuli is just kind of putting our brains on hamster wheels. We spin and spin. Which brings me back to my thesis: Now more than ever, what we all need is simple, doo-dah boredom.

Boredom doesn’t come from the hamster wheel. Only hamster funk comes from the hamster wheel. You know that smell? It’s a little like poop mixed with wood chips or whatever it is they stick in those cages. Our electronic-addeled minds are like hamster funk, spinning and spinning. And sure, I know, right now you’re thinking, “Oh, this is just another ‘we should all unplug for a while blog,'” and, okay, sure, we should all unplug for a while. But how often do we talk about what happens after we unplug. Which is: get bored.

Are you ready to try it? Good!

Now, when you’re bored, your first thought might be to get up and do something.

This, on no account should you do.

No. First, you should just sit there doing absolutely nothing. Don’t make plans, don’t do budgets, don’t cheat and start on some kind of freaking clandestine grocery list. Just sit. Relax. Feel the detox. After five or ten minutes, once you’re good and truly bored, you’ll find your creative instinct, whether that’s applicable to your job, daily routine, parenting, spousing, or that really great pair of slacks–whatever–it’s that creative instinct that matters. It’s primal, and it’s the fuel of life.

For instance, creativity fuels empathy. It’s hard to be empathetic to others if there’s no imagination, and it’s hard to have imagination if you reek of hamster funk.

The creative instinct has a strong correlation with the arts. (In other news, water is wet.)

The creative instinct also generates stuff. Stuff is good for the economy.

The creative instinct is good for finding solutions when they’ve been otherwise elusive. (Someone tell Israel and Palestine, quick!)

So yeah, none of that can happen without first wiping the mental slate. And the best way to do that is to go get good and bored. Boredom is good. Pass it on.


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